I’d like to share a very personal, painful loss my husband and I experienced.
One day a simple test that had two lines, was the beginning of one of my biggest dreams that I’d been praying for since I can remember. I’ve wanted to be a mother for so long and I know God has instilled in me the gifts to be a wonderful mother. Little did I know 6 weeks later there was another plan for this sweet baby, Heaven.
The day our test told my husband and I that we were going to be parents was one of the best days of our lives. We’ve been trying for over 10 years, with many different fertility tests, IUI’s; this miracle happened naturally and something we thought never would. We waited until Christmas to tell our family, we gave them the best Christmas present ever and honestly what a better way to end 2020 with this amazing, beautiful miracle! Little did we know just a few weeks later that this dream would escape my body, like an arrow soaring through the sky. Our first prenatal appointment wasn’t until we were 12 weeks along and we thought if we can make it to this appointment we’re close to being in the clear for losing our sweet baby, as percentage goes down after the first trimester. Few days before this appointment I started spotting, no cramps or pain but there was red, a color I never wanted to see. That weekend was the longest weekend of our lives, waiting until our appointment on Monday. I felt something wasn’t right, but I had faith and hope. The appointment came and what we thought was going to be a day we’d hear our baby’s heartbeat and really begin to celebrate, actually was the hardest, saddest, worst day of our lives. The doctor told us our baby was only measuring at 6 weeks, our baby stopped growing. My husband and I starred at one another with sadness in our eyes, we could feel our hearts breaking. Since this was our first appointment we didn’t have anything to base the measurement off of, so the doctor had hope that maybe the math was wrong and wanted us to come back in a week which would be 7 weeks and one can definitely hear a heartbeat then. My husband and I walked out of the doctors that day in silence, holding hands. My husband had hope as well, I tried but I truly felt something not right. That night our baby would say goodbye! I like to think our baby held on for that appointment so we could see our beautiful miracle on the screen and have a forever picture of the life we created together, we were parents!
I laid down in bed that night, having pain and wondering if this is it; time for our baby to go home to be with God and I got my answer within minutes, yes. My body knew what to do and I will never forget that feeling as everything I’ve ever wanted quickly escaped me. The sweet little life we created was leaving. It was happening so fast and so much of it, that I had passed out and fell off the toilet and then passed out 2 more times. When I came to each time, my husband was standing over me shouting my name, shaking me. I could hear fear in his voice. He called 911 and I was taken away to the ER. As they were wheeling me down our driveway to the ambulance, my husband mouthed to me, “I love you and I’m right behind you.” I remember feeling scared on my drive to the ER that what if this it, I can’t have other children because I don’t know what’s happening to me right now, but it can’t be good if I’m needing an ambulance. At the ER I passed out 2 more times and each time my husband was always by my side. Five hours of non stop red. We left that ER knowing every piece of our dream was really gone.
Healing from this kind of loss takes time, strength, faith and a support system! My husband was so amazing through all of this, I know I am truly blessed to have someone like him in my life. This tragedy has brought us closer I feel, it’s really put things in perspective and you really see what the little things are. Before I was always on him about not holding my hand enough, not sharing his feelings more, basically not doing certain things in the way I thought he should or I would. All of that doesn’t matter now, and it never really did because I know and always did know, he would do anything for me, he truly loves me and has always shown me that, I just was blind or chose to see what I wanted to see. God really blessed me when He gave me him! A couple days after our loss my husband shared with me that fear I saw in his eyes that night, he was scared he was going to loose me, that I might never wake up. I can’t even imagine what he went through watching me in that state and having those fears, it breaks my heart he had to experience that. Family really is everything, and we definitely saw and felt that during this time. The first week each family member on both sides and friends, sent us dinner so we could just be with each other and not worry about something like cooking. Each day my parents and sisters called me to see how we were doing, flowers and cards coming from family and friends. Our support system really helped us work through this, we felt beyond blessed, loved and God working through each of them.
We continued to take it one day at a time, leaning on one another. It is a grieving process and each day gets a little bit easier. We hold onto the fact that we did create life on our own, it is possible! We did find some healing in having a little service for our sweet baby! We planted an azalea plant that will have white blooms. We read some scriptures, one being, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” (Isaiah 41:10). We said a prayer, had a moment of silence and said good bye to our baby who is in Heaven looking down on us, and we know we will be together again! I also found healing in a devotional book that my mom sent me. It is very therapeutic, as the words in it really resonate. Each chapter ends with Soul Work and one of them was finding a quote or scripture to meditate upon when that blanket of grief gives you no room to breathe and the one I used was “Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10). This helps me in those moments when I feel it all rushing back and tears flow from my eyes. God is here and He has an amazing plan for us. Even though we went through something so tragic, there is a reason and whatever it may be I know God is right there beside us. My faith really helped me work through this loss. I truly thought if this horrific thing ever happened to me, I would curl up in a ball and never leave my bed. I never did that, as I know God has given me life and surrounded me with amazing people. Even though I lost my little baby, I still have things to get up for.
We had a baby, I gave labor. It may not have been in the traditional form, but I did. We may not have been able to hold our baby, see a physical being, but our baby was created. It’s the soul that counts for each of us, not the physical form we take on.
A prayer that I read; “Lord, I know I can find you in the quiet. My soul aches for this storm to end, to have never even started. But I know this is where you have set my anchor. I don’t know why, but you in your infinite wisdom do. I will be still and know.” Amen.
This type of pain I hoped I would never experience and I honestly wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. Having a loss like this truly has shown me strength within myself that I never knew was there. Even though I felt my dream quickly escaping me, I rose from it. I didn’t bury deep in darkness, I didn’t let it consume me in a way that I could never come back from. The pain is still there and I know always will be but now it’s in moderations and I know I will grow from this. We each are tested with challenges that sometimes do look easier and better if we just give up and move on, but then let’s really think… those moments, accomplishments in your life most likely came from you not giving up (it wasn’t easy) but then again it shouldn’t be. These moments stand out because they were hard, because you were tested in so many ways, you learned so much about yourself – you persevered. These accomplishments happened because you had faith in yourself, you found your inner strength!